How Porn Hurts Us
by Lili Bee
Have you ever struggled to convey how deeply porn use disturbs you without tripping over your words? Without stammering? What about when the points you want to make about it reflect very strong beliefs you hold, but the person you?re conversing with not only doesn?t agree, but they don?t even seem to care?
Anticipating just such trouble ahead, have you ever rehearsed your points beforehand so you can confront someone later, only to have your anger get the better of you and instead your husband (or partner) dismisses your concerns?
This was my experience for years as I tried to convince my porn-using then-partner about my views. I was desperate for him to stop, but for every reason I came up with to defend my values (and our relationship?s status as ?monogamous?), he would come up with myriad reasons of his own to thoroughly discount my views. If I persisted, he would either implode or else say hurtful things. He did not want to be confronted?he was an addict, bent on defending his porn use.
So I went and talked to others about it, often men, and much of my upcoming book chronicles these conversations. I can honestly say I?ve never encountered a single other topic that is quite as contentious as the topic of pornography. How astounding that seems to me, since only twenty short years ago, one wouldn?t stoop so low as to even mention that word in public for fear of painting oneself with the brush of coarseness.
Nowadays it?s not only okay?it?s downright cool?to talk openly about pornography, so long as one isn?t opposed to it. Nope. Then, one must revert back to being very quiet about it or risk being ridiculed.
Yes, the majority of the public is amazingly susceptible to the media?s branding of this particular product as cool and good for you, and even somehow supportive of healthy relationships?and as such, many have learned that unless they want to become a pariah, it?s safer to keep mum about the obvious pornification all around them and/or the damage to themselves, their partners and their relationship, courtesy of porn.
And of course, as the greedy pornographers have done a brilliant marketing job of priming the environment, sexually speaking, for more, (capitalism?s favorite word) so one can now also talk about one?s favorite strip clubs as well, not needing to fear that one might cause offense. Again, you?re cool unless you object. Then you?re patently uncool.
Now imagine finding all of your most deeply-cherished points about why porn hurts, the ones you?ve tried unsuccessfully to articulate to your loved one, in print! Online, no less, for the entire world to see. Imagine the writer of said points, expressing everything you ever wanted to say, but said even more eloquently than you ever could in your attempts to get your spouse to at least listen?
Wouldn?t that be thoroughly satisfying? Imagine your concerns written about with such utter conviction, and without even the slightest trace of apology, that you couldn?t help after reading such words but do a snoopy dance in your bedroom after your spouse fell asleep?
Welcome to Rage Against the Man-Chine, my favorite not-at-all-guilty pleasure. The woman who writes this blog calls herself Nine Deuce and she?s whip smart, funny as hell, and suffers no fools and/or misogynists gladly. She also captures with a fierce clarity her perceptions of the world out there?or at least the world I live in?and I find myself simply astonished much of the time after reading her latest blog posts. And she?s not even a PoSA. She just ?gets? the ten thousand ways porn hurts us and she?s not at all afraid to say so.
Although PoSARC is a secular and not political site, we weren?t working in this field for very long when we realized that because everything in life is interconnected, the personal very quickly becomes the political.
As a PoSA?s woundings often going on silently for years and with no allies whatsoever, she may desperately seek answers to make sense of the craziness of life with a sexual compulsive. Our wounding as PoSAs can also lead us to understand the overall system that has brainwashed not just our man, but entire generations of men (and now, women) into the unquestioned use of pornography and progressive predatory sexual behaviors?like strip club use, affairs, anonymous sex and more.
What thought systems, then, can answer the question of how a perfectly honorable man can become so completely disconnected from every single value he held dear before he discovered high-speed internet porn? Yes, one answer is that he may be an addict. But addiction, especially when it?s widespread like pornography is, is also happening inside a larger cultural milieu.
In my quest to answer that question for myself, to help me make sense of the undeniable fact that I was losing my porn-addicted partner to his drug, I discovered, and then delved deeper into, one system of thought that held often-brilliant answers. Answers that knit together so many disparate pieces that it all started to make sense to me.
What forces, I started asking myself, were at work that were hijacking our men, sometimes even seemingly against their stated will? Why and how was this addiction becoming epidemic, taking down marriages and costing men their reputations, jobs, and more?
If you?re interested in the rad-fem answer to those questions, you?re about to find out. I offer you NineDeuce?s take on pornography here because radical feminism offers a unique lens from which to view this topic.
This reprint here is Part Three of an Eleven-part series Nine Deuce wrote on porn. Although you can find the other parts of the series on her blog which we?ve hyperlinked, here the focus is on the way porn use can hurt us partners and the relationship.
NineDeuce nails the damages that porn does to women. And does so beautifully. I offer it here (with her permission for the full reprint) in the hopes you can feel the relief I feel and snoopy dance with me as I read her words.
Perhaps it will embolden you if you find yourself weakened by the sexual compulsive in your own life, or the ever-louder chorus out there that tries to tell us we may not object to porn, as it?s ?a man?s right?. Ri-i-i-i-i-i-ght!
Drumroll, please?
(Note: Nine Deuce writes with judicious use of a few little expletives, in all the right places, of course. I don?t find her occasional use of these expletives gratuitous in the least; however, if that kind of thing offends you, consider yourself warned.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Why Porn Isn?t Cool?Real People Have Feelings
by NineDeuce
(Part 3 in the porn series)
I?ll say it again: Pornography hurts people. It destroys relationships, prevents people from developing healthy sex lives, cripples the sense of empathy, and generally hinders people?s ability to form the kinds of connections that make life interesting and worthwhile.
There are a lot of reasons not to use porn, but in this post I?ll stick to how it negatively affects peoples? relationships and prevents people from developing the kinds of sexual relationships they hope to.
Women know most men watch porn. There are a few women who have absorbed the message that they are here to be used sexually to the point that they, too, get aroused by watching porn (more on this later), but most women are at least mildly bothered by pornography, whether they want to admit it out loud or not. A lot of women have been told so many times that men have some kind of ?right? to use pornography that they will tolerate it in their relationships despite the fact that it hurts their feelings. Still other women will make it clear to their partners that they will not tolerate pornography in their relationships, only to find out after some time that their partner has been lying to them and using it anyway. Then there are the women who find men who will respect their wishes and not use pornography, but these women usually still worry that their partners? previous use of pornography has created desires and expectations that they can?t or don?t want to fulfill.
I?ve never dated anyone who used porn openly in our relationship, but I have a sense of empathy, so I can tell you what it probably feels like. I know that a large majority of women in my mother?s generation tolerated the existence of Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler in their bathrooms, but I never found such a magazine in my house as a child, and I?d like to think that the reason was that my father cared for my mother?s feelings and didn?t want to do something that would hurt her. Or maybe once I was born he began to look at the women in pornography as other men?s daughters. I never asked, but I do know that porn was not a part of my life while I was growing up and that I am glad it wasn?t. Other women grew up in houses where it was assumed that men had a ?right? to look at images of naked women who weren?t their wives, so they expected their partners to do the same when they got older, even though they were just as uncomfortable with porn as their mothers were.
It isn?t jealousy that lies at the center of women?s aversion to porn. Men want to paint it in such a light because it removes the responsibility for the damage porn use creates from them and places it on their partners. That is patently dishonest and unfair, and places a double burden on the woman. Not only does she have to tolerate having her feelings ignored and her presence disrespected in her own home (or in her own relationship), but she has to feel guilty for her own natural discomfort and conceive of her own rightful vexation as a character flaw. That?s what pornography does to women: it brings a huge set of worrisome issues into their lives, then tries to blame them for the fact that they are bothered.
When women see pornography, whether they?ve thought about it or not, they instinctively recognize that the women they are seeing are not being treated like human beings, that they do not want to be treated like the women in porn are treated, that the men they have sex with might be looking at them the way they must look at the women in pornography, and that their partners might not ever be satisfied with them unless they allow themselves to be treated thusly. It is understandable that women would not wish to have their partners use pornography, considering these factors, but when they object, they?re told that they?re being catty and jealous, and that ?boys will be boys,? which is something they?ll just have to live with. Think for a second about the mental turmoil that can cause. Men who use pornography in relationships are basically telling their partners that they care more about their bullshit ?right? to use images of women being exploited sexually than they do about their partner?s emotional comfort in the relationship. It?s not only insensitive, but it?s also evidence of a disgustingly arrogant sense of entitlement.
It?s easy enough to empathize with women who have to deal with a partner who refuses to stop using porn despite the fact that it hurts her feelings. What about the woman who believes she?s in a relationship with a man who cares enough about her feelings to stop using porn, only to find out he?s been lying to her about it? Finding out someone has been using pornography and lying about it is akin to finding out they?ve been having an affair. It?s a betrayal in a very serious sense because it means that that person has decided that their desire to do something is more important than the negative impact it will have on their relationship and their partner?s feelings. A woman who discovers her partner has been lying to her about using porn comes to several disturbing realizations. First, she discovers that he cares more about his supposed ?right? to use women?s bodies as masturbatory tools than he does about her feelings. Second, she realizes that he has been using women outside of the relationship in a sexual way by proxy. Third, she discovers that he does not see women, including her, the way she thought he did; once a woman discovers that her partner uses pornography, she has to admit that they never saw eye-to-eye on women?s status as human beings in relation to men. At best, that means she has to admit that her partner has a madonna/whore complex, and worse, she has to accept the fact that he doesn?t see her as a full human being but rather a set of essentialized characteristics. Fourth, she may look back over their sexual relationship and remember things that suggest that her partner was treating her or thinking about her like the women are treated and thought about in porn. At a minimum, she will begin to doubt every aspect of her sexual relationship and wonder whether it was ever based on true affection. Fifth, she has to compare herself to the kinds of women one most often sees in porn, and will likely begin to have doubts about how attractive she is or has been to her partner, and will also likely begin to have serious self-esteem problems and self-doubt that she didn?t have before. Finally, she will wonder how she can stay in a relationship in which her trust has been violated and in which she will never be sure that she is seen as a full human being.
What about the ?lucky? women who find someone who actually does respect their feelings and does not use porn in the relationship? Good deal for those women, right? It would be, but there is always the lingering worry that their partner has been exposed to pornography, has absorbed its messages, and secretly wishes to recreate what he?s seen in porn. She will always wonder whether she is actually attractive to him, she will always compare herself to the kinds of women he has masturbated to all his life, she will always wonder whether he secretly desires more of the kinds of scenarios he has used to reach orgasm since boyhood. And rightly so. Orgasm is an extremely powerful conditioning device. What we pair with orgasm we tend to prefer. Or maybe she?ll wonder whether she ought to distance herself as much as possible from the kinds of sex he has seen in porn. Maybe he thinks there are ?two kinds of women,? and only the good ones, the non-whores, are worthy of dating, while the other types are there for him to use sexually via the internet. Either way, she won?t feel free to express her own sexuality naturally.
Women in all of these types of relationships are stuck in a terrible conundrum: they want their sexual relationships to be loving and special, and therefore they probably want to make their partners happy, but they worry that doing so would require them to allow themselves to be treated like women are treated in porn. In all of these cases, the entirety of the issue revolves around men?s sexuality and their sexual desires, with women having to conform their own sexual behaviors to the desires pornography and the madonna/whore complex have created in men. Women?s sexuality is entirely absent from the picture (more on that in the next post).
Men who use porn often approach their sexual experiences in vastly different ways from men who don?t. I?ve met plenty of dudes who claim that they can make the distinction between porn and real life, but I don?t believe it?s as easy as all that. There is a clearly one-sided dynamic in porn in which the woman is there to fulfill the desires of the man, not the other way around. The fact that she pretends to be pumped about whatever she?s doing is just another part of that dynamic; actual depictions of female pleasure in porn are about as common as Civil War re-enacters that aren?t racists, but men expect women to look enthusiastic about what?s being done to them in porn, or else it just isn?t fun. I mean, who wants to feel guilty about using someone like a blow-up doll? In porn, the woman?s body is there for the viewing and for the using, and it is moved around and positioned for the pleasure of the man. Female pleasure is at best a niche interest, and is most often either completely disregarded or faked for the man?s enjoyment. There?s no love in porn, either. It?s purely about male lust and female acquiescence, and that?s the mild stuff. I won?t even begin to get into the ever-increasing array of porn that features women being choked, having their heads shoved into toilets, or being slapped and called filthy names. I?m not going to claim that men who watch porn will come to bed with real women and recreate what they?ve seen in porn down to the last detail, but I will argue that having your orgasm tied to such images over long periods of time tends to seep into real sexual experiences. Men often unknowingly treat their partners in ways that make them uncomfortable because they?ve had more experience seeing how the women in porn react to certain behaviors than they have with real women. Any woman can tell whether the man she?s sleeping with is a serious porn user. What more proof do you need?
Pornography creates conflicting expectations that destroy the ability for men and women to meet as equals and use their sexuality to express their affection for each other. It creates dichotomies that force women to sublimate their own sexual desires in order to fulfill one of two restrictive and limiting (and usually unsatisfying) roles in sexual relationships with men. It destroys women?s sexual confidence, their sense of emotional and sexual security in their relationships, and their self-esteem. Doesn?t it make sense that a woman who feels secure and comfortable in her sexuality would be more fun to sleep with? If for selfish reasons only, men ought to give that some thought.
Porn breeds shame and fear for men and for women, which drastically impairs communication, and it cripples men and women?s ability to understand each other?s sexuality. That turns out to be a seriously shitty deal for women, but it?s even a lame trade-off for men. The influence of pornography prevents men from experiencing their sexuality and that of women in any but the most limited of ways. I promise, real female sexuality is WAY more interesting than the ridiculously one-dimensional representations of it in porn. Ask any dude who has taken the time to find out. Allowing porn to hinder one?s ability to experience all that human sexuality has to offer is like trading a video game about driving for a Ferrari (I like getting to bring up Ferraris ? it makes me think about 1985, plus I felt it was time to stop being so serious). It?s just dumb. Regardless of the ethical and moral reasons to avoid porn, men ought to avoid it for their own benefit if not that of the women they care about.
To be continued?
To read the rest of Nine Deuce?s series on porn, plus lots more, go here.
(Thank you, Nine Deuce from all of us at Team PoSARC!) So, dear readers, your thoughts?
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Public release date: 2-Apr-2012
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